what goes up…

As hard as it is to write this, I wanted to share an update.

Last Saturday I got the best news of my life. Several tests later, I was on top of the world, and convinced nothing could go wrong. I made my skeptical husband believe we were officially pregnant, and everything was great. I went in for my beta on Tuesday, and got the result of 102. I was 14dp3dt, so 17dpo technically. I immediately got a pit in my stomach, and tried to reassure myself it was fine. I had to wait 3 days until my next test, but as the days went on I knew something was wrong. The few symptoms I did have slowly disappeared. I felt normal. I knew in my heart my embryo stopped growing. Friday was a long day of waiting. I went for the test at 8am and didn’t get a call until 3pm. The nurses voice was dreary and sad. She said my number dropped to 89. As much as I anticipated this happening, I could barely hold back my tears. How could I have gotten this far, just to have it snatched away as fast as it happened? I have never had a positive test. I have never come this far. I was already planning the ways to tell people and I had my first ultra sound booked. I couldn’t decide if I would have just preferred a BFN instead. Save myself and my husband the torture of losing the pregnancy. The only light at the end of the tunnel was that I achieved pregnancy. After 5 IUI I never had a hint of a line. IVF did work, just not the way I had hoped. I try to forget what is happening and act like it just didn’t work. I never thought I would experience a pregnancy loss, and no matter how far along you are, it’s the most bitter pill to swallow.

The verdict is in

According to my nurse yesterday “I’m definitely pregnant.” I am currently experiencing beta hell. I cannot help but be wary. Cautiously optimistic. Worried. I worried throughout this whole cycle, so why should pregnancy be any different?? 

  

I was so excited and optimistic until the blood test. I don’t know if I expected a bigger number or if I’m just scared for the second number, but I can’t let myself just be…happy! I did start reading a pregnancy book and have exceeded the max of pregnancy apps on my phone, but it just doesn’t feel real yet. I’m doomed to constant second guessing. Beta #2 is Friday, I will be a ball of nerves until the results. 

Staring down the barrel of a shot gun…

So friends, today marks 8dp3dt. For those not fluent in infertility that means I am 8 days past a 3 day embryo transfer. All that is on my mind is my beta(blood test which tests for pregnancy). I am trying to keep a strong mind and positive attitude but let’s face it, it’s hard. I can only think about the message I will be listening to next Tuesday from the nurse. That message determines my future, as well as my emotional state afterwards. I am preparing for negative and positive. If it’s negative, I’ll probably definately cry. If it’s positive I don’t even know if I will believe it, and then I’ll cry. So either way it looks like I should have a box of Kleenex by my side.

We have already decided to do another fresh cycle of IVF right away. Crazy as that may seem, I don’t think I could wait. In my opinion, we gave this cycle our all but we can do better. There are other protocols. We could get embryos, maybe better quality, and maybe we could do a Day 5 transfer instead. I read somewhere a couple of months ago that the average tries to success of IVF per couple is 2-3. I laughed when I read that before and thought that there was no way, but after what I learned this cycle and what we had to go through, I get it.

Also, I want to take a test so bad it’s taking everything in my core not to pull one out. My nurse stressed to me yesterday to NOT take one. It doesn’t help that I have 10 cheapies sitting in my closet right now.

beauty-quotes-8

#boycottdolceandgabbana

Not that I can afford anything Dolce and Gabbana, but if I could, I would be boycotting them. I can understand the outrage of Elton John after watching this video.

This may come off as a full on rant, but seriously. How dare they? 

Sure, IVF has a long time joke of the “test tube baby,” but what child of IVF is synthetic? IVF and surrogacy gives the joy of parenthood to so many deserving people. Not one of those babies is chemical. IVF and surrogate babies are brought into this world the same way as “natural” babies. Sperm and egg.

Sir Elton tweets- “How dare you refer to my beautiful children as “synthetic”. And shame on you for wagging your judgemental little fingers at IVF – a miracle that has allowed legions of loving people, both straight and gay, to fulfil their dream of having children. Your archaic thinking is out of step with the times, just like your fashions. I shall never wear Dolce and Gabbana ever again. #BoycottDolceGabbana” 

Among Elton John, Courtney Love and Perez Hilton have both tweeted that they are also boycotting the company.

Good for them.

Check out this article on NPR

d&g

This is where I’m at

So last night I had major insomnia and some intense burning cramps. Not sure if it means anything but here’s a look at things…

  • 1dpt .. Embryo is growing and developing
  • 2dpt… Embryo is now a blastocyst
  • 3dpt….Blastocyst hatches out of shell
  • 4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining~> this is where i’m at
  • 5dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
  • 6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
  • 7dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
  • 8dpt…Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
  • 9dpt…More HCG is produced as fetus develops
  • 10dpt…More HCG is produced as fetus develops
  • 11dpt…HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

Not even trying to get my hopes up, but hey, it’s kind of nice that those things could correlate with what could possibly be going on in my uterus.

And after logging into Facebook for the first time in decades, this is pretty much how I feel.

JPEG image-E80A7DA887BF-1_Fotor

Get Your Tissues Ready

OK, so a few months ago before all this IVF nonsense started, I watched a video of the Gardner couple. They are semi-famous now because they are having quadruplets from IVF. This is the picture announcing their news-

ashley-tyson-gardnerThe couple is an encouragement for anyone struggling with infertility. They struggled for EIGHT years and finally got lucky through IVF. I watched their video and will admit, I balled my eyes out.

You can watch the video here

so it ends…and hopefully begins

As of 3pm Tuesday I have 3…yes 3 embryos inside my body. Now, whether or not all or even 1 of them stays for the long haul is still to be debated. My journey to get here has been bumpy to say the least. I’ve learned things I never thought I would need to learn. I have cried, laughed, gotten angry….but I have made it this far. Since I didn’t share my whole IVF journey, I will sum it up in a few words ( or paragraphs).

Step 1: I started this whole ordeal back in December. Yep, 4 months ago. It all started with ultrasounds, blood work, and a lovely test called a hysteroscopy. For those of you who have never heard of that let me tell you, it’s not the most pleasant thing I have encountered. It starts with a shot of Novocaine on your cervix. YES I said a shot in your cervix. Surprisingly it does not hurt nearly as bad as it should. That numbs everything up so that the Dr. can insert a catheter with a camera into your uterus. You get to watch it all on a screen, and pretty soon you see the inside of your uterus. The point of all this is to check for abnormalities which would get in the way of a baby implanting. Lucky me, all clear!

Step 2: I then had to wait. And wait, for my period to get here. Usually I am praying her away but in this instance I am begging her to get here quick. Once I got my period I got to start birth control pills. So crazy to think that I would willingly take birth control when trying to get pregnant. These help regulate hormones and time your cycle. I was on these lovely meds for 4 1/2 weeks. PS- I am not a pleasant lady when on the pill. About 7 days before my last BC I had to start an injection called Lupron. This was to shut off my ovaries in order to suppress them enough for high stimulation. Side effects of Lupron are similar to that of menopause, so you can imagine the fun I had.

Step 4: The exciting joy ride of stimulation begins! After stopping the pill, I went in for what is called a baseline scan. I had my blood drawn to check hormone levels, and had an ultrasound to check for cysts. I was all in the clear and set to start my injections in 2 days. I was like a kid on Christmas Eve, I could not wait to get this ball rolling. Nightly injections of Bravelle and Menopur went on for 6 days. Side effects include- hot flashes, bloating, cramping, moodiness, acne, pain at the injection site, and bruising.

Step 5: I was terrified to go into my first follicle scan. For those who don’t know a follicle contains an egg, and can be seen on an ultrasound. The number of follicles correlate with an approximate number of eggs to be retrieved. In the back of my head I had a feeling I was going to be disappointed. I was right. I had barely over 4 developing follicles. The norm is 8-12. I trudged home and worried for basically the rest of the day. I got a call from the nurse stating they were upping my dose. I continued shots for about 4 more days and went to the clinic everyday for follicle checks. At my last check I had 4 mature follicles. Half of the normal. I was crushed. We had the option to cancel our cycle. I couldn’t, I wouldn’t, I had come this far. All you need is one good egg. One good embryo…

IMG_1750

The end result of 10 days of injections…

Step 6: Egg retrieval day! I was so nervous I could barely stand it. What if I had no eggs? What if I only have one and it doesn’t fertilize? Before I could ask myself another question I was out. I woke up to hear that the Dr. retrieved 5!! 5 eggs! There was a hidden egg. I felt like in that moment we did the right thing. This was our reassurance.  Now I have to wait a whole 24 hours to see if any made it to fertilization.

Step 7: I woke up at 8am waiting for my phone call. I kept checking my phone. I took it everywhere with me. Finally at 12pm I got the news…3 eggs have fertilized out of 4 mature. This is better than I expected. I was over the moon. They said we would be doing a day 3 transfer. To sum it up, you either culture the embryos until day 3 and transfer, or if you have a lot to choose from you can extend to 5 days to pick the best of the best. Since we only have 3 they didn’t want to risk anything.

Step 8: Transfer….again, nervous as ever. What if they all died after day 2? Feet in stirrups again, we get the news that we have 3 embryos. 2 good, and 1 fair. We are told it was best to put in all 3. My mind immediately thought of having 3 newborn babies crying for my attention. However, that quickly erased as the Dr. said it was about a 1% chance that would happen. OK, in they go!

IMG_1754

And here we are…I am 2 days past 3 day transfer and I am impatiently waiting.