what goes up…

As hard as it is to write this, I wanted to share an update.

Last Saturday I got the best news of my life. Several tests later, I was on top of the world, and convinced nothing could go wrong. I made my skeptical husband believe we were officially pregnant, and everything was great. I went in for my beta on Tuesday, and got the result of 102. I was 14dp3dt, so 17dpo technically. I immediately got a pit in my stomach, and tried to reassure myself it was fine. I had to wait 3 days until my next test, but as the days went on I knew something was wrong. The few symptoms I did have slowly disappeared. I felt normal. I knew in my heart my embryo stopped growing. Friday was a long day of waiting. I went for the test at 8am and didn’t get a call until 3pm. The nurses voice was dreary and sad. She said my number dropped to 89. As much as I anticipated this happening, I could barely hold back my tears. How could I have gotten this far, just to have it snatched away as fast as it happened? I have never had a positive test. I have never come this far. I was already planning the ways to tell people and I had my first ultra sound booked. I couldn’t decide if I would have just preferred a BFN instead. Save myself and my husband the torture of losing the pregnancy. The only light at the end of the tunnel was that I achieved pregnancy. After 5 IUI I never had a hint of a line. IVF did work, just not the way I had hoped. I try to forget what is happening and act like it just didn’t work. I never thought I would experience a pregnancy loss, and no matter how far along you are, it’s the most bitter pill to swallow.